Do you ever get to the end of something and think to yourself, Well, THAT happened ? This is how I feel about June. June surprised me with extremely temperate weather which I tried to take advantage of by being outside as much as possible. I grew tomatoes and ate them, increased my daily movement, tried to implement an earlier bedtime, which succeeded more often than not. I had a reading slump (still am, a bit). Our washer broke. I had the most bizarre 24 hour virus, and somehow strained my back. I bought a barefoot shoes and began to transition to minimal shoe wearing. I went back to school and already feel somewhat desperately behind. I returned to instagram (delightful), lamented my phone use, and started trying to converse in Spanish with my youngest spawn when we’re around the house (Spanish speaking skills = poor). I have three new pen pals. We cried over my oldest child wearing a wedding dress. I walked many many miles and started doing daily push-ups - up to 4 so far!
I won’t unpack all of what happened at my job here, but in case you didn’t know, Summer Reading Program is to libraries what Christmas is to retail. We have hosted hundreds of children weekly, and processed hundreds of books hourly. Many members of our staff are undergoing serious life transitions and some of this means transitioning to other careers and locations which is always bittersweet and stressful. But everything I’ve learned about myself and burnout over the last year is paying off exponentially this summer. I am content. More days than not I feel I’ve invested in myself at least as much as I have in how I make my living. This is growth.
My meditative word for June was rest. I thought it was about sleep but it went much deeper and and was so nuanced and complex. Despite everything I shared above, I am entering July feeling fairly rested. Here’s a few things I am learning from my June meditations.
I can enjoy summer - This is a big one for me. I have hated summer since I can remember. It’s hot. It’s humid. It’s buggy. I feel like I can’t go outside. All of that is still true, but also I’m experiencing it differently. Embracing my inner gardener on even the most basic level gives me a reason to be outside that I enjoy, even when I’m sweating my ass off. My morning walks are an important part of this peaceful compromise. I’ll stop expecting summer to be something it can’t be, and it will find ways to delight and surprise me because I’m being more open about it (most of the time.) Being in the moment even when it’s less than my ideal rather than looking ahead to something different is big growth for me.
Active rest is more satisfying than sloth (most of the time) - for the first several months of burnout recovery I focused hard on doing nothing and going nowhere when I wasn’t at work. I think that was an extremely important step for me to take. But as I move further away from my nadir, I’m taking more and more pleasure in resting more actively. Working in the yard, taking walks, doing yoga, hanging out with friends and family, these are restful things even if they are physically active. I still have to remind myself to sit and do nothing too, though. That productivity bug is mean bitch if I don’t embrace the concept that some time is meant to be frittered and squandered and “wasted.” I’m also careful to find ways to be alone every day because I really suffer mentally when I don’t
I can burn out on reading - I’ve read 100 books so far in 2023. That’s a lot for me and honestly, I’m not sure how I feel about it. I think I want to be more intentional about what I read and why I read it rather than glutting myself on every possible book. One of my goals this year was to track every book I read. I’m still doing this, but it’s sputtering. I want to find ways to refocus and breathe new life into my reading habits for the second half of the year. Note to self: STOP READING THRILLERS AND EXPECTING THEM TO BE WORTH YOUR TIME. I’m always disappointed. It isn’t the genre for me.
Learning how to be in my body in new ways is endlessly rewarding - So far this year we’ve added daily walks, daily yoga and kettlebells. Recently I’ve been learning about and trying ways to improve my joint mobility especially my shoulders, hips and knees. I’m fascinated by how the body responds to good care and how quickly years of damage can be undone with a bit of intentional movement. There were many days after my mastectomy that I wondered if I would ever feel good in my body again. I’m delighted to say that I do.
Some things thrive more when I leave them alone - I know, I know. It’s another plant parable. I have a couple different things growing this year that are climbing, vining type plants. One of them I very nearly threw out earlier this year, calling it a failure. Instead I decided to leave it where it was (after having moved it all over the place in an attempt to find the ideal location) and see if it would even survive the season. Weeks passed and other than the drive-by care I was giving the other outdoor plants when they needed some extra water, I let it do it’s thing. I’ll be danged if that vine isn’t all of the sudden demanding more climbing support, putting on buds for flowers and waving giant green leaves everywhere I look. It just needed me to stop trying to control it and let it bloom in it’s own time. I find the same is true with my loofah. Last year I tried to control it within an inch of its life. This year I tucked it into a safe and sunny spot with a little structural support and basically told it it was on its own. I’m expecting loofah blooms to burst open any day. I don’t love learning that I can’t control everything, but obviously its a lesson the universe feels needs to keep impressing upon me.
The more often I am silly, the easier I find my laughter - I don’t know about you but 2020 and following years ripped the laughter right out of me. Everything felt serious and urgent and terrifying. We stopped gathering together and covered up our faces, making us feel isolated and uncertain. That went on for a long time. And when it was over, I think we, humanity as a collective, were out of practice with silliness, frivolity, joy, giggling, jokes and general giddiness. Or maybe I’m painting everyone with my personal experience. Lately I’ve been sillier and more open to being amused. I’m laughing more and having better days over all. Yes, there are still many terrible, heartbreaking, dehumanizing events and decisions being made daily, I am aware. But shit feels a bit less bleak when I’m bent over with a belly laugh.
Don’t watch the news - I’ve been on this ride since 2016. It’s fine to be aware of what’s happening in the world. In fact, it’s important, but it also makes me feel powerless and outraged. My anxiety spirals, and I forget how to hope. So I’m off the newsfeeds, the doom scrolls, the witty cutting pundits, all of it once again. I’m beginning to listen to my soul when she tells me, we were made for better than the message the news has to offer.
So those are my lessons for June. It feels like I drank from a firehose in every way, all month long. Most of what I learned was so good, so insightful, the culmination of months of work. Restful? I think so. Even though it hardly seems I was still for moment, I know I was. I’m learning that rest is so much more than sitting on the sofa sipping a manhattan, but since I was literally doing exactly that ten minutes ago and enjoying every second, sofa drinking certainly has restorative powers as well, the both/ and of rest.
In July, my meditative word is empowerment. It dropped into my head earlier this week, and won’t be shaken. So here we go on another adventure! May Divine Love wrap you in her arms this month and hold you gently, whatever may come.