It’s been almost a year and a half since I bottomed out with burnout. It’s mind boggling to consider how long this is and how short it feels. Very little has changed where my work is concerned, even now. We are fully staffed which is lovely. But there are still gaps to fill and responsibilities that must be completed by certain deadlines. There’s saturated carpet on really rainy days and trash bins that get mauled by the company which empties the bin. There’s questions and demands that never seem to end. There’s still so many days I come home completely depleted. I never would have thought that there would be this much stress running a library (or three).
Fortunately, I do have an excellent support system and though I may still get depleted, it takes so much longer to get to that point and the rebound is so much quicker. I don’t recommend burnout to anyone, but it did teach me many lessons about myself, about the nature of work, and about where those two things intersect. The flip side of all the things I’ve just talked about is how fulfilling I find working in a public library. I recently completed a professional library certification that only showed me more in-depth what I already knew, the services libraries provide are critical to communities. It’s a skillset where I find immense pride and satisfaction.
These lessons, hard-earned, are why, when my spouse began seriously investigating a job in another town, I was able to freely say, If this is what you want, then you should go for it. He did, with gusto. Next week he’ll move out and relocate to an apartment in the town where his new job is, and we will remain in Milledgeville for a time. I don’t know that I could whole-heartedly embraced this change without the experience and lessons of the last few years. Sometimes the hardest truth to accept is that being good at something doesn’t mean that it is good for us, or maybe just not good for us anymore.
Over the last few weeks, my spouse has been excited in a way I haven’t seen in a long time. He smiles and laughs more. He’s challenged and inspired. As he says, he’ll get to use so many skills he isn’t empowered to use in the role in he is leaving. Sadly, for me, this makes it even harder to think about him living somewhere else that isn’t with us. I think we’re all feeling it pretty hard right now. This is my hardest both/and yet. I’m so excited for this new adventure, this new chapter, and I absolutely dread next week with all my being. My best friend won’t be here to break down our days as we eat dinner together. Even worse, I have to actually make dinner now - something I haven’t really done in almost five years.
Back in the stone ages before everyone had a smart phone and used internet, before I was married, but only just, Craig graduated from college a semester before I did, and took a real grown up job, in Florida. I was still in school in Nashville. I vividly remember the day he drove away. I made it inside the house and folded over myself like I’d been punched in the gut. We’ve traveled a million miles together since then, so I imagine my response will be less dramatic but more deeply felt. And no doubt, there will be things I will take away from this time that I wouldn’t otherwise gain. They’ll probably almost make it worth it.
Fortunately, this isn’t a permanent situation for us. It’s a placeholder while we make some adjustments, while our family changes and moves into a new shape, and then we’ll sleep under the same roof again, but until then, I’ll probably be a little sad. I do expect my to read even more for the duration of this separation, so it’s not all bad. Both/ and.
So excited for you!